The Land of Milk and Honey - Yunnan Tibetan Escapades

Evan and I continued down the path. We kept thinking we were upon some kind of Oasis, or it was going to be just around the corner. It was definitely more than five minutes away.

But alas, we arrived. A small stream was pouring down the mountain, working its way past logs and over rocks, between crevices. I am always cautious about which water is drinkable. I always remember the movies where the thirsty travelers come upon a stream, and just as one is about to engorge himself with copious amounts of water in a frantic frenzy, the wisest of the group sees a dead animal and pulls the foolhardy back out of the water, just in time to save a life. So we decided to wait for the guides to catch up to us, just to make sure. Actually, the worst that would probably happen is that we'd get La Duzi (liquid shits).

Anyhow, Army Guy showed up and assured us that the water was safe. So I frantically filled my "Wahaha TM" bottle and perched it upside down on my lips. I drank and drank and drank. After about half the bottle disappeared, i started feeling sick. I wanted to continue, but i couldn't. It felt miraculous. Stupendous. Ingratiating. But it fucking hurt like a bitch. I kept waiting for projectile vomit to shoot out from my insides. But...nothing. Just glorious misery and miserable satisfaction. Kind of like having and orgasm while someone is punching your sack.

Evan came down and handed me a piece of bread. I wanted to eat but my stomach was saying "NO". I kept fighting the nausea. I put the bread in my mouth. I knew I needed it. A couple of chews. Then rest. Breathe. Chew. Rest. Breathe. I would have eaten it earlier, but I for sure would have choked. Death by sugary Chinese bread? Sorry, but I need a more dignified way out of this life if it is my destiny to die young.

I should die saving a child from a rogue bus, getting stabbed in a sword fight over the honor of some young maiden, or maybe having such incredible sex that my heart burst right out of my chest, blood squirting out my ears in ecstasy. But dying from lack of nutrition, because my dumb ass doesn't know how to prepare for a hike? Jesus, my Boy Scout Master would be disappointed.

No, not for me. I'll make this trip. I might throw up or shit my pants or something silly like that, but dying on a trail in China-nope.

Sucking on Leaves- Yunnan Tibetan Escapades part III

Dehydration, parched lips, dizzy after 20 steps up the trail. After 8 hours of stomping my way up muddy trails, slipping and sliding, I found myself on a a little path leading upwards through some sort of Sherwood Forest looking place. I was completely drained, no energy, and thinking only of how I could get some water in my belly.

The irony was that it was drizzling little bits all around me. I could feel water in the air, on my skin, on my face. I could see it in the air, in small puddles everywhere I looked. The 100 foot tall fir trees were occasionally letting giant drops plummet down on me randomly. Oh, what was that? A drop on my shoulder? I craned my neck to the Rain Gods of the sky and opened my mouth like a little bird. Nothing.

Luckily, I have watched movies, so I knew what do in this kind of situation. I grabbed the nearest branch, wrapped my dirty fingers around a giant chunk of leaves and sucked them dry. Maybe a teaspoonful at the very most. It was really only enough to wet my lips and coat my tongue. I staggered on, dreaming of flowing rivers of clean crystalline water that i could dive into, wrap myself in, indulge. Wild fantasies of underwater ecstasy. Splashing and playing and drinking. Fresh, cool, delicious.

But no. No water for Jason.

I just kept tromping mindlessly along, with no purpose. Every time I thought I would see the top of the mountain, it would just be followed by another set of peaks. No real end in sight. Only facades.

I kept thinking of the old Indian maxim: "If you get thirsty, find a small smooth stone and put in in your mouth." It makes you salivate and won't feel so thirsty. Mind control. But then every time I would look for a rock, I would see a giant pile of horse shit. Buzz kill. Zen me ban ah?

So I kept marching, slowly but surely. Then our long lost guides finally appeared out of a thicket, traipsing straight up the mountain, no path even. Fuckers!

"Do you have any water?"

The guide named Jason handed me a bottle. I opened it and sniffed. Oh, for fuck sake. Vile, nasty ass fucking corn whiskey. I don't want any fucking whiskey, you fuck. I need fucking water. Goddammit. God Dammit. Mei you, mei you.

Fuck, I ain't no mountain man. I can out swim you, and maybe even under normal circumstances, out drink you. But not today, not here. I just need to get to the top of this mountain for some kind of sanity. The realization hit me--no water. No motherfucking water. My swaggering mountain guides let me down.

"How far is the pass? "

"20 minutes, " he said. Fuck. in local time that means about another hour.

Actually, it was only about another half an hour. But I swear to God, it felt like another two hours before we arrived. We marched. Aimlessly. All I know is that I was just moving up towards the sky as best I could. Just one step, then another. Just stepping as many times as I could until I got dizzy. Then I would stop. Fuck being a soldier, but that was all I could do. I was marching uphill. No country, no cause, no patriotism. Just get up that fucking godforsaken hill. Supposedly there was water on the other side.

Forty minutes later, we we reached the pass. The top, the fucking top. What an immeasurable feeling of accomplishment. We just sat there and waited for the other three people. Jason again handed me the bottle of whiskey. Oh, what the fuck. I drank a swig. It was nasty. I thought I was going to puke. Then after about 4 seconds I felt better. A temporary solution. My body wanted to reject a few times, but it put my mind a bit at ease. It gave me a bit of relaxation.

After a few pictures of our first major feat, Evan and I decided to continue on. Mostly in search of water. Jason told us that down the path about 5 minutes we could find water. Music to my ears. However, 20 minutes down the path, we needed to look out for leaches. Fuck man. Little bloodsuckers that sneak in through the shoelace holes. Nevertheless, I'd give up anything, including some of my blood for some water.