I guess its been far too long since i made a post. I would say its about time I "got off my ass" and did something, but actually I have to "stay on my ass" to actually get it done.

Well, I'll just start by saying that the Chinese government has really pissed me off these past few days. Because of the Tiananmen Square massacre that took place twenty years ago, and its anniversary which was yesterday, the Chinese government has taken great measures to censor almost any possible avenue for the truth of this incident to be known among its own people.

Now, its not that I am taking some moral high ground, because I believe that everyone has their reasons for taking action or non-action or what have you. The biggest problem for me though is that it creates such a pain in the ass to research anything, find anything online, or just watch silly youtube videos that have nothing to do with China.

In fact, I have to use a proxy server almost all the time now--even just to write this blog, because of course, the entire blogspot website network has been blocked. So my personal bone to pick with the government is that I just overall feel hassled.

I don't care so much about the Tiananmen Square Massacre- no real bleeding heart from me, just to be honest. Lately found it hard to pull that emotion out.

However, lets be clear about the nature of hypocrisy, and this goes for any government. So if you want to point fingers at the U.S. government, I'll be happy to hold your hand in the right direction, and most likely will agree with you.

But let's take the Nanjing Massacre for example. Horrific tragedies. Horrific. As if the hatred for Japanese people isn't bad enough, the Chinese government is always up in arms about the Yasukuni shrine having the 14 War Criminals names. The Chinese government has gone to great lengths to keep the anti-Japan attitude in the air.

On the same hand, Tiananmen Square is a giant secret here. The public is grossly misdirected on this matter. No one really seems to know much about it.

Now you could argue that the two incidents are completely different, but in fact, they are only different in premise. But would you rather be raped and stabbed, or would you rather be run over by a tank? or just shot?

Furthermore, couldn't they use tear gas, rubber bullets, or just beat a few people here and there? I mean, was all the violence really necessary?

Like I said, my biggest beef is that it directly hinders my personal freedom. Before you run off and shout "this is China, you should love it or leave it," this is a cop out. This is a fear based ego response that is drawn from ultra patriotism.

There are no natural rights, no God's laws, and countries are molded and formed by the people who have the most power. that doesn't make it morally wrong or right to kill your own people, or to acquire other people into your fold. All i ask is that you at least be honest with yourself if your going to fuck up my day.

Please Kill Me

Well, everything was going great. Really getting into my training. Learning actually more than my mind can handle. Unfortunately I chose the wrong restaurant to eat at, because I suffered the most horrible case of Black Plague Death Stomach Virus--or something.

Anyhow, it started at about 4 am, and from that point on I spent most of the day in bed. Luckily, Shifu Adam let us off the hook--Ben was just as smashed up as I was. We got to take a few days off to rest up and get our bodies back. Thank God. It literally felt like every cell in my body was being stretched out beyond its limit. That and the strange feeling of fever and chills.

After 8 agonizing hours of lying in bed, I decided to get up. I took one of the best showers in my life and decided to go for a stroll. I made it to the internet cafe and got online for a bit. It was everything I could do to sit in the chair. After about an hour and a half I walked to the store and downed two more bottles of gatorade. Then back to bed.

Oh yeah, and thank God for drugs-valium that is.

Today is much better. I was actually able to eat today. Much, much better.

We'll see how it plays it out from here.

Training

Pretty sure I had some internal damage from the pounding my neck took last week. For the past few days, it pretty much hurts whenever I tilt my head to the side--by that I mean pulling my eyeballs backwards, jaw aches, and temple pounding.

But today is not so bad, feels much better.

Though I am somewhat terrified of my future with this school, I am avidly finding new ways to accept it. It is comforting to know that pain is good, but injury is bad.

I found out this morning that I wasn't hitting myself hard enough during my training. Without going into details, I am starting to understand the idea of "observing pain" to overcome fear. At least that is the way I am understanding it.

Well, 8 years ago when I first starting Taiji training, this is pretty much what I was looking for. My new Shifu (teacher) says, "You have to murder yourself to get there." Yeah, I am really starting to understand that concept. There is really no escape from those fears, only just observation and acceptance.

I still experience skepticism, and fear, lots of fear; however, as the days pass, my general attitude is sinking into a feeling of real acceptance. In a strange way, it also is comforting to know our school really posits a no bullshit attitude. Either it works or it doesn't.

Its all to easy to hide behind the bullshit that makes us feel cozy and safe inside. Opening that truth to criticism is a hard pill to swallow. Most people will just spit it out. There is a reason why.

The more I do this, the more I like it.

Contemplating my journey

Here I am sitting in Chiang Mai. I really believe I have found what i am looking for. Incredibly, all the fear and all the doubt still rears its ugly head. However, in one week I am learning more about myself than ever in my life. Truly amazing.

All through my kung fu and taiji training, one of the things that has held me back is getting bad headaches after training. I am always asking myself, should I push through it, or back off. It seems that backing off has yielding nothing, so herein lies my next choice. I am going to push through it. This is the only surefire way to know. I mean, to really know. Not someone just telling me, oh yeah this is good or that is good.

I went through three rounds of headaches the other day doing my iron robe training. But to be honest, it was the best damn massage i ever had. Hurt like a bitch, but loosening the hell out of me.

I meditated twice today and will again later. In between I stood in Wu ji stance until i fell down. I stand by my personal maxim that the only real truth is found in humility.

I've chosen the hard road this time, but its working. I am getting the results I asked for, like it or not.

Snow Crossing

that is us in the far upper left hand corner

All Roads Lead to Near Death - Yunnan Escapades

So we started down this seemingly comfortable path, which was, for a short while, comfortable. That is, until we got to the slippery slope rock formations. Big giant slippery rocks with slow water flowing over them--just no end new challenges. Some of them were also covered with moss.

Had I slipped at times, it would have been a very, very long fall, and other times just a few meters. Either way, I would have bounced down to the bottom. Once again, preparation is key to survival. Sporting fake Chinese made name brand look alike shoes for rugged outdoor mountain hiking is not the smartest move I've ever made.

I managed to make it down several ledges. My best option was crab-crawling. I had also picked up a great Moses grade staff that I found on the peak. Unfortunately, though, it was useless for parting water, but it did keep me from flying over the side a few times. After a while, we finally made it to some flat land.

However, the next obstacle proved to be quite a chore. Not being used to snow didn't make it any easier, especially with my shitty court shoes. I started across the snow. Army Guy came stomping over and grabbed my hand. I couldn't refuse, because he gave me no choice, and any sudden movements would have had me hauling down the bank toward jagged boulders.

He was yanking me along with his right hand, and his left had was half guiding Nan Bei, a 40 something Guangdong woman. i couldn't tell if Army Guy was helping or making it worse. I just kept looking at the Ginormous pile of jagged rocks some 50 meters down the slope waiting to chew me up. Every step I took dragged the three of us about 4 feet closer to the grinding machine. Had I ate shit, my fate definitely involved broken bones.

In my mind I kept planning a hypothetical recourse should I fall. Here are the options I focused on:

1) stab the staff into the snow while holding the lowest position.
2) Go feet first in the crunch position
3) Roll into the fetal position and cover my head
Fuck, what if my kidneys get punctured? Fuck
4) Maybe I should turn on my stomach and spread eagle using my short lived Ripping the Heart Out Tiger Claw Kung Fu to dig my fingers into the snow and scrape myself to a stop.

Note to self: Next time you go to remote mountain village, remember to bring remote mountain village footwear.

I made it across, where I waited to watch Evan struggle the ice. Of course, he being much smarter than me, walked about ten meters up and crossed the upper collection of jagged rocks. But I think he was having just as much fun.

Uphill all the way-Yunnan Escapades

We woke up at 7 am to get ready for our 8:30 start. Unfortunately, our guides didn't wake up until about 9, so we didn't get the early start we intended. By the time we ate and got rolling it was pushing 10 am. Well, A Luo never guaranteed responsible guides. So off we headed.








(Above the clouds)










About 2 hours into our climb, our main guide Jason warned us of the leech factor. He recommended we not stop for any resting, but keep moving, so as to keep the little bloodsuckers from feeding on us.

We stopped at one point where Evan found a leech on his shoe trying to squeeze in through a shoelace hole. He knocked it off and then more or less proceeded to run the rest of the way up the hill.

Finally, we reached a rocky meadow, clear of leeches. We ripped off our shoes and socks and searched thoroughly. No leeches today.



















It was cool to watch the clouds just roll by so quickly














This doesn't look that steep, but its about a 70 degree incline. Our guide was gathering flowers to make a hat.




We just kept marching up the hill. It got to a point where I was just counting 200 steps and then stop for a few minutes. Then another 200 steps, and then stop again. We gained some serious altitude, especially for a Florida boy like me.



This was our last major obstacle before the peak. Evan and I just stood there staring at them, and they back at us. I suggested we go slowly and see what they do. Well, if any one of them charged me, I'd have shit me pants, but luckily they jumped off the path and we continued up to the peak.

Payback for Being a Carniverous Beeef Eating Sicko- Yunnan Escapades

Evan and I, being the only two outsiders, were directed to sleep in the old man's house (cabin) next door. We didn't speak Tibetan, and he didn't speak any Chinese. It was a welcome change, however, from the overcrowded situation.

The trek back through the shithole was challenging, especially because I had to put my wet socks and shoes back on. Keep in mind, that its dark now, and I only have my little pen light to navigate my way through the muddy shithole.

Once in our sleeping quarters, we waited for over an hour for dinner. Evan and I stared at the old man, and he just stared back at us. It sucked because I really didn't want to take my shoes off again, because I figured they would be calling us back over any minute.

So we finally meandered over for dinner. We ate like monsters and then headed back to our sleeping quarters again.

I unrolled the little mat across the wooden planks and spread out the "too small for me" sleeping bag. I crawled inside and sipped it up. All of I could think of was slipping into a deep sleep. My legs ached. My back ached. My head ached. My whole body was throbbing. I was wiped out. I glanced at my shoes drying out by the fire. The insoles had crinkled up a bit from the heat. I didn't care.

I looked at the old man. He had a log for a pillow. Jesus, am I ever a pussy.

My body felt like it was about to explode. I couldn't relax. I could feel the blood running through my legs. I wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. Then the noises started.

What kind of strange fucking animal is that? And there are a lot of them.

Every five minutes.
Every fucking five minutes.
Every fucking five minutes I heard a cowl, a groan, or a grunt come from under the floor. I pulled opened the zipper to my sleeping bag. I had to piss. I went outside and pissed off the balcony into the dark, cold abyss below.

Back inside, I crawled into my sleeping bag. I tried to zip it up, but the zipper got stuck. In a frenzy of frustration, I forced the zipper into malfunction. Fucking great. So much for that.

I couldn't tell if the animals below were fighting or fucking or both. Every single time I started to pass out, I was awakened abruptly and roughly. By that, I mean one of the fucking/fighting animals below was either having a howling orgasm or getting nailed from behind. Prison life, eh? Consequently, each call was followed by the beast's head and horns jacking me up a few inches of my sleeping plank.

In all, I got about two hours of sleep all night. Yaks. God damn yaks.

Karmic payback for sure.