Training

Pretty sure I had some internal damage from the pounding my neck took last week. For the past few days, it pretty much hurts whenever I tilt my head to the side--by that I mean pulling my eyeballs backwards, jaw aches, and temple pounding.

But today is not so bad, feels much better.

Though I am somewhat terrified of my future with this school, I am avidly finding new ways to accept it. It is comforting to know that pain is good, but injury is bad.

I found out this morning that I wasn't hitting myself hard enough during my training. Without going into details, I am starting to understand the idea of "observing pain" to overcome fear. At least that is the way I am understanding it.

Well, 8 years ago when I first starting Taiji training, this is pretty much what I was looking for. My new Shifu (teacher) says, "You have to murder yourself to get there." Yeah, I am really starting to understand that concept. There is really no escape from those fears, only just observation and acceptance.

I still experience skepticism, and fear, lots of fear; however, as the days pass, my general attitude is sinking into a feeling of real acceptance. In a strange way, it also is comforting to know our school really posits a no bullshit attitude. Either it works or it doesn't.

Its all to easy to hide behind the bullshit that makes us feel cozy and safe inside. Opening that truth to criticism is a hard pill to swallow. Most people will just spit it out. There is a reason why.

The more I do this, the more I like it.